A year ago, I was completely miserable. Actually, I was worse than that. This is how the story goes:

At my lowest, I was laying on my kitchen floor ‘crying’ (more like full body sobbing), in front of my husband. That’s as scary (to me) and unbecoming as it sounds. The Saint that he is, within minutes he created a Powerpoint deck for me with 8 mantras, in two slides. Slide 1 of the actual deck is below. I dug it out of my email this morning.

Strong women on the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel, which we visited in Sept 2021, when I was in the depths of depression. They gave us so much inspiration.

I had “everything going for me” so why was I so despondent? It was my job! Nike went through a huge strategic reset, whereby many people at WHQ and around the globe were placed into new roles, and arguably in my case, not super thoughtfully placed. There’s nothing quite like drawing names out of a hat…

To be clear, I loved many things about the team I joined:

1. It was easily the most diverse, and one of the most dynamic, Leadership Teams I had ever been on
2. The Jordan business was booming (still is), product is hot and we couldn’t keep inventory on the shelves
3. The exposure to how product moves from our Global to Geo business, including how demand planning, merchandising and marketplace teams work together orchestrally to deliver incredible product to the consumer — every single time
4. And undeniably, the best part was the people I got to work with, including rockstars like @ErinBunn, @MikeBunch, @MicheleDaterman, @MaggieBaird, @SarahNissen, @JulieHefner, @JohnJowers, @GregRouf. Even if every day was bad, and it was, these people provided laughs, hope, camaraderie, a sense of normalcy, donuts (!) and a shoulder to lean/cry on.

Here’s what I didn’t love, and it was only one thing: the job itself was the worst fit for ME. That is not to say that it was a bad job, nor was it beneath me, nor was it easy. In fact, it was the complete opposite. It challenged me to my very core. I learned that an Operations role in the part of the business that I was in, is really about nailing the calendar and doing many repetitive process governance type actions. Anyone who knows me really well, and the @HoganAssessment that I recently took confirms, that my brain loves to dwell in possibility. It (my brain!) likes to think big thoughts, chart new territory, and push the boundaries of existing conventions. These personal needs/skills lay in sharp contradiction to the needs of my then job.

I knew myself well a year ago, but not nearly as well as I know myself today. In retrospect, and if I were to give advice to my daughters (who I think will inevitably experience the same thing), I would advise that they Quit. But instead, I chose to Grit. What did Grit look like? It looked a whole lot like Depression, sadly. I wasn’t eating. I was “sleeping” — that is to say, super poorly, in fits and spurts. I needed constant naps during the day. I was crying (and then pretending I was fine) to my amazing therapist. My anxiety was crippling. I gained quite a bit of weight! (Anyone surprised?), I developed a stress rash (ok, now I sound dramatic! And it’d be funny if it weren’t true) all over my chest, I threw up (multiple times) in my in-laws’ house, I had night sweats from the Zoloft, I thought the most corrosive and self-defeating thoughts: that my husband would fall out of love with me, that my daughters could tell I was being a bad mom, that I couldn’t/wasn’t hiding “it” well (and I wasn’t).

And even though at the time that I was experiencing all of this, there were remarkably inspiring examples of people — Olympic Athletes, no less — that were quitting to save their mental health (i.e. Naomi Osaka and Simone Biles), it didn’t resonate with me to Quit. Meanwhile, I just gripped my racket harder and wobbled down my own balance beam, sobbing on most days.

It took me a long time to write the above, because I was so sad about Failing. To be honest, through nearly a year on the job, I barely hung on. Thank goodness for a dinner with a mentor (that I desperately didn’t want to go to, ya know, being depressed and all) in October 2021 that changed everything.

Recently, I read two things that put it into context for me, and helped change my perspective.

1. Change the story you tell yourself and the words you use. It’s not “I am anxious.” Try instead: “I feel anxious.” The latter is a transient state, affected by all that is going on around us. The former invokes a sense of permanence. And believe me, when you’re depressed and anxious is when you least need to think that those qualities (forever) define who you are.
2. @SusanDavid,PhD posted this. It’s so brilliant, I’ve taken her imagery and her words and placed them below.

3. Anxiety is an alarm system in your body. Listen to it! Excavate it. Understand it.

If any of my experience resonates with what you’re presently going through, I hope you can leverage Dr. David’s questions below to help you get to a better place. I wish I had seen this a year ago!