Over the last week, so many well-meaning friends, family and colleagues have written with important words of support. I wish to say Thank You to these people.
“I see you.”
“I hear you.”
“I stand with you.”
“I’m here to learn. And un-learn.”
To which my casual and emphatic reply must be — “I need you to do more. Right now. Literally RIGHT.THIS.SECOND.” Because people are dying. Do you care? And because for the last four years, America had a “president” (non-capital P) that spewed vitriol and hatred from every ounce of his unenviable being. And we’re all left wondering how we got to this place. Look no further than the man whose name starts with a T, and rhymes with “Chump”.
Do all of you allies really stand with me and my family? Do you hate the hatred as much as I do? I don’t yet believe that. Show me I’m wrong (please). Can you bear to see another body laying bloodied and lifeless on the ground, whether due to cops with misplaced duties, or racists with knives, guns, and all other sorts of weapons that have gone around slashing the faces and bodies of Asian elders? Did you grimace just reading those words above? This is not at all for dramatic effect. This is real life. Ouch. Did you see the Asian granny in the Bay Area who was attacked, but fought back against her attacker with her whole being? He was the one taken away in a stretcher. Her family started a GoFundMe account for her to pay for medical expenses. They raised nearly $1M dollars, and she has decided to donate it all back to organizations fighting Racism. The spoof-y shirt that was made “F*(k with me and See” is hilarious but do we really need/want to ask all of our grannies to pull out their ninja move just because they can?
Last week, I thought I wanted allies. People to stand beside me, hold me up when I felt weak. This week, I realize I need much more. I need You, capital “Y”, to do much much much much much more. My husband will tell you I’m demanding. And I am! Because I am worth it. Guess what else is worth it? The humanity of this world. True justice, equity, equal opportunity. For ALL.
Here’s what ally-ship looks like. Please see texts with my realtor below. For context, I met my new realtor a month ago. I respect the hell out of her and consider her the consummate professional, deeply experienced and proven real estate maven, self-proclaimed Diversity, Equity, Inclusion (DEI) advocate, devoted and balanced Mother, and soon-to-be best friend. If anyone needs a realtor, I couldn’t recommend her more highly. If anyone needs a best friend, back off, because I’ve already called dibs.
And yet, she was also the one standing with me when Tim/Tom did my roof inspection two weeks ago. Same guy who couldn’t bother to look in my direction while giving “me” the verbal report.
I was surprised to get her first text. It takes bravery to admit that you witnessed a shameful thing and that you did nothing to stop it (in that present moment, or later privately with Tom/Tim). How many times have you been in a situation like this? Either as a bystander, or a victim. We all need Bystander Intervention training.
Traditionally, Bystander Intervention training is for those who wish to learn how to stop outright and active, in-your-face bullying. This is not that. This is systemic. Privilege assumes it to be okay. Most of you will never see it, feel it, understand what it feels like to be the recipient of such damaging daily interactions (or lack thereof). I wonder to myself — what does it feel like to move through the world being cheered on, praised, and completely unencumbered by racism. Today’s Bystander Intervention training is so important to create a more just world.
Allyship is great. And it’s nice. I love me some Allies. And to be exceedingly clear, I am grateful for all of You who are allies. But as my good friend Abby Wambach just shared with my other good friend Brene Brown, “Be Grateful, and Expect More.”
In addition to Allies, I’m now actively recruiting Co-Conspirators. Allyship is the gateway drug to being a Co-Conspirator.What is a Co-Conspirator? Read on…and job description to be posted in an upcoming post.
Being a Co-Conspirator (title earned, not bestowed) is blocking and tackling, if we were to borrow a football metaphor. In the face of racism, prejudice, sexism, ageism, ableism, it is calling it out, teaching offenders why it is not okay, unequivocally boycotting any person, cause, business who does not denounce all the -isms, and broadcasting loudly to all their friends, colleagues, children and families that we will cancel the racists. Remember Cancel Culture? It’s that, but applied to Anti-Racism. Speak out against racism, in the midst of your BIPOC friends and also when they’re not there. When they can’t speak for themselves!
Does this all read as if I’m up in arms, pulling my hair out (realistically cutting it all off, and lighting it on fire first), and wanting to throttle everyone and anyone? I did cut it all off. And I’m thisclose to lighting something on fire. Imagine if your own grandmother was beaten down in broad daylight, simply for looking the way she did. (Thank Goodness neither of my Grandmas lived to see this tragic time in our history.)What if this happened to your Mother? What about your kids? Do your kids deserve a fair shot at anything in this life?
I have exactly one White friend who took a stand immediately. (Side note: I didn’t hear from most people I consider my close friends. Some of them wrote directly to Matt, not to me. Were they afraid I was upset? Were they worried they would upset me more (not sure that’s possible)? C’mon guys, be brave. We’re all adults. Let’s be there for each other on our best days, and our worst days. Or just take a page out of Megan’s book. And if there’s anything about race that you’re unclear about, I am signing up to have a bold and brave conversation with you about it. It’s my duty.)
Instead, Megan read my words and my pain was her pain. I could hear it in her texts. It was desperation. She deserves a shout out. Megan Caldwell is the proud owner of Fit4Mom Northwest, a lifelong educator of me, kids in Watts, LA (Teach for America), mothers everywhere, and her own three children. Is it any wonder that she was Oregon’s 2020 Mother of the Year (this is actually an award, and I can’t think of anyone more deserving). Beyond that, she loudly and proudly wins the best Anti-Racist Co-Conspirator Award (which is an as-of-yet-unofficial award, and it definitely doesn’t come with any prize money). She’s going to hate me putting her on a pedestal like this, because then she’ll be hesitant to share this with her network for fear that it seems self-congratulatory, but her actions are a) so uncommon, and b) so deserving of praise. What did she do to win this (non-existent) award?
- Megan read what I wrote. Lots of people were either too busy to read it, or too scared to write me about their accidental or purposeful complicity in being bystanders. I only conclude this based on the response rate to my email.
- Megan bravely texted me and asked a question she didn’t know, afraid to offend me but realizing we have more at stake than offending a friend.
- She wrote about her own personal experience as a White woman who has three best friends who are Asian.
- She shared this with her platform. Her whole gosh dang platform. Megan must know 2/3 of all the Moms in Portland. She bravely proclaimed she had put very little thought to racism (it is wrong) and more importantly anti-racism (what is this? what does it look like? how can I and my 3 children be more anti-racist?).
- She committed to doing better.
- And then she shared my words.
- When I put up my fundraiser, Megan donated the most amount of money. By the way, of my 519 IG followers (where I initially shared the fundraiser), exactly 31 people donated some amount of money. That means approximately 6% of “my followers” cared enough about anti-racism to take a stand with me. Oof. I hate to go tin-cupping here, but I’ll do it if I have to. Because this is important to me.
Can we all step up and give Megan the break she so deserves? With all due respect, I know many many folks who are actually printing dollar bills in their sleep, and they did nothing. It’s not about the quantity by the way. I have friends who symbolically donated $5, which meant so much to me because that showed me that even though now might not be a great time for you to be giving away your money, you care enough to give up one day of your morning craft coffee, and you are eke’ing out what you can, with what you have, right freaking now — in the most important time for our country to see what this place is made of. Like my good friend Kyle said — “Put your money where your mouth is.” If you stand with me, and you hear me, and you’re going to speak out for and with me…let’s see you open that wallet. Pick an organization of your choice, or donate HERE. That is step One.
So with that, I ask you — what more can you do? What help do you need? And how can I support you? I stand beside you as Anti-Racists in training (as I am myself) because I need you to stand in front of me and pull when I’m in a rut, stand beside me and hug me when I’m down, stand behind me and push me when I’m rooted in despair, stand below me and lift me on your shoulders (because I’m a short Asian woman who likes to see the action) and stand on top of me to complete the the trifecta. Just kidding. Please don’t stand on top of me, I think that would hurt.
I’m here to have conversations with you and your family. Last week, I put myself into my predominantly White friends’ shoes. It all motivated me to write. How are you expected to know what it’s like to be Asian in this country? It’s my duty to help you feel this. And feel it deeply, because it mostly sucks.
As I’m writing (and more to come), please read. Share it. Reflect on it. How has this echoed, or not echoed your experiences? What part is unfair? Why is it unfair? What can you do to make it less unfair for me, my girls, your children, your family, your parents, your friends, and really, actually — all of us. #everybodyversusracism
If you’ve read this far, congratulations. “Table stakes” in the rarified world of Poker players. Equivalent to waking up and putting your pants on. Why don’t we all now race to put on our armor and get into our armored vehicles to fight the onslaught of racism that is more pervasive than ever. I want — and indeed, need — you to put your mettle to the pedal. Join Megan and me in this armored vehicle. No pee breaks; full steam ahead. We’re moving forward!
